A child is born, again.
This post is way late, but better late than never I suppose.
A few months ago I witnessed the birth of my second son.
It is an incredible moment to see a new life come into existence. The first time a new person takes their first breath and begins their life as a mortal soul on this earth.
God has a plan.
What is my role?
As a father, I try very hard to understand my children. I listen very carefully to what they say. I ask them, “How do feel about that?” And no matter what they say to that question I never ever react in a negative way, no matter what their response is. I want to teach them the right way to live, and enjoy life. There are times, though, that I am sure I learn more than they do about life via our relationship. If you listen, children will teach YOU about yourself. You will wonder, “Where did they here that?” “Why did they react THAT way?” “How did he come to that understanding?” When you see your children doing something and or saying something that you do not necessarily like, you are looking most likely at yourself. (The converse is also true.)
I will give you an example-
A few nights ago I was asking my son, Nyle, to go down stairs and turn some lights off. He simply did not want to do this. My first question was “Why,” or “Why not?” As an adult we tend to look at things as an adult. That is why we so often do not understand our children. So I started thinking like I did when I was 3. (Not so hard for me) When I was three, or maybe a little older, we lived in a “BIG” house (at least it seemed big to me back then) and there was a room down stairs that had a lamp in the back corner that I would be made to switch off after dark by one of my parents. AFTER everyone went upstairs to bed. It was “my chore.” In that room, or somewhere along the route that I had to take to get to and come from that room, we had a T.V. I had to go past it in order for me to get back up the stairs, where the lights were on and the darkness abated and “the fear” would vanish. I was scared of the dark. Especially “that” dark. The T.V. turned into a bear, a monster, a presence, that was simply out to get me. Being made to turn that light out was shear terror to me. I dreaded it so very much I can not express it in words. It is a fear worse than the fear of death. It is a fear on par with torture, and then death, and whatever is worse than that. I wanted so very much to have someone “go with me” to turn that light out. Yes I shed tears in anguish and terror over the simple task of switching off that light.
I don’t know why I had this fear and dread, but it was my master in that time. Perhaps it stemmed from an incident that took place when I was a scant 9 months old. You see, I accidently severed my index, and middle finger on my right hand. The index finger was completely severed, and the middle one was barely hanging by a bit of skin. I lost my index finger, and I now have limited use of my middle finger. It must have been a frightening, painful experience for me then, though I have little, or no memory of the incident now.
I wonder, -How much did that T.V look like that stove ?
Sure, it makes since now, but back then I did not understand the fear and my anxieties of that old television that I watched many wonderful Disney movies on. In the light of day and in the company of others, that old T.V. brought many hours of relaxation, fun, and great adventures. But alone in the dark of night, it was a demon out to eat my soul-heart.
I do not want my son to have to confront that kind of terror. He does not need to learn “how to handle it”.
So I told him a few nights ago, “You know son, I used to be scared of the dark too, and it’s ok if you are a little scared. It’s part of being little and just not knowing what is out there. I understand how you feel.” Then I said “I will go with you, if you want me to.” He did, and so I happily went with him. It is easy to be a hero in these situations, so why not be one for your child? I do not believe in forcing your children to “grow up”. I believe they will grow faster and better if you just be there for them. They need to believe that I “have their back” and I want them to succeed in life. Sometimes when we are forced to do something we really dread, we can feel unloved and uncared for. Now my parents were good people and would not have made me do that fearful task, IF they really knew how terrified I was. How would you feel if you had to do something that was absolutely terrifying for you to think about, let alone do, and I came up and said “don’t worry, I know how you feel, I understand how you feel. I have felt the same way too, but there is really nothing to be afraid of- REALLY. I have done this, and if you want me to, I will come with you so that you will know everything will be just fine, you will see.” And you KNEW that if a came with you, that everything WOULD be just fine. And I went, and everything was just easy and perfectly fine. How would you feel about our relationship? Have I gained some of your trust? And if the next time I helped, and the next, and the next, somewhere along the way you will believe me when I tell you everything will just be fine, you do not need me to come, but I will if you really want me to. Somewhere along about 16, you are not going to want me to go with you…… This will be great, but just a little sad for me. It’s just part of growing up. For both of us.
They will grow up.
I want-- I have to know my children’s fears, so that I can know my own.
As you recall, your children are your soul mirrors. It is therefore advantageous and necessary to think about your child. Who he is, inside. His thoughts, fears, and worries. And, of course, what makes them happy. To a great extent the bridge to my children’s future, is me. And the bridge to my future happiness, is my children. Whether it shall be a happy transition for them, or not, from baby to young child to a grown boy- adolescent- and then adult -a lot of that transition whether a success or failure, depends upon me. No one else has a greater influence on how this will transpire more than I. Now here is the clincher. A lot of MY personal happiness and feeling of success and self worth depends on how my child does. Now, and in the future.
So how do you secure the future for your children and therefore yourself?
You have to start early and you absolutely have to be honest. Children know. They notice things you do not think they do.
Be very careful when you kid a kid. If you do, make sure that you tell them “I am just kidding of course.” Make sure they know what that means.
Another GREAT BIG problem is we do not take time to explain our words and meanings.
If I said to you, “I want to introduce you to your aunt Jessica.”, you would be fine with that. But what if you did not know what “introduce” was, would you be just a little nervous? (You want to do what with me?!) How would you explain what “introduce” is to a 3 year old? Knowing, or learning how to do that well, can have a great impact on your childs development.
Imagine going in to a math class and everyone knew how to work out the problems, but you did not. And everyone was taking turns at the board showing their method of acquiring the answer. When it comes to your turn, what are you going to do? What will you say? How will you feel? Being asked a question in terms you do not understand is frustrating, demeaning, and can raise your anxiety level to panic attack, if you fee the other people expect you to know all of what you do not understand. Imagine being in a courtroom filled with lawyers, witness’s and judges speaking legalize and at some point they all turn to you and say, “Have you got anything to say about that?” or “what is your response to that?”
We say things all the time our children do not understand. If your 3 year old asked, “what does anxious mean?” what would you say? Or “what is yellow?” Or “What does smell mean?” How about this.
Explain to me what is the smell of a banana?
When you can explain that, you just might become a good communicator with children.
Some things have to be experienced, don’t they.
That’s why so many things “taste like chicken”. ( You have eaten chicken, right?)
So how are we doing? Nyles’ communication skills were just tested. He is on 6 year old+ level. He is very sharp, and reasons very much like an adult.
Nyle maybe an above average person, but my wife and I have had A LOT to do with his skill level.
He can say all the books of the Bible, in order.
Count to at least 14. Do simple adding and subtracting.
Makes up his own lyrics and songs.
And knows the meaning of word such as “apparently” “decision” and “incredible”.
But most importantly he knows what the word “LOVE” means.
And that’s the most important.
